I met Leslie Leyland Fields in my mailbox one day a few months ago. Well...not really. The truth is that Leslie sent me a copy of her book, Parenting is Your Highest Calling (and Eight Other Myths That Trap Us In Worry and Guilt). After reading the first few pages, I knew I wanted to introduce Leslie and her book to you! Leslie happily agreed to answer some questions I had about her life and her book, and she also offered to give a free copy of the book to one lucky reader of jumping tandem!
I encourage you to settle in and read a bit of my conversation with Leslie. She is wise and thoughtful, her life is an adventure, and her words are worth reading.
Tell us a bit about your family.
I've got 6 kids, a daughter and five sons, in that order. The age range is 21 down to 6, so in school terms that translates to the eldest in her last year of college, and the youngest in first grade. My last two were surprises, born to me in my mid-forties. Not my plan, but God's--and His plans are good!! Most of the year we live on Kodiak Island in Alaska. In the summer we move to another island 80 miles away, where we commercial fish. We’re the only inhabitants of the island. And it’s bush Alaska---so no roads or cars or infrastructure---if you want a house and electricity and water, you have to make it happen yourself. My kids have grown up as commercial fishermen out on the ocean. The older four run their own boats. During the school year, the kids are all involved in sports and other activities, all those opportunities that both bless and curse the busy mother!! So, in many ways we're much like everyone else's family---in other ways we're not.
What kinds of things do you do as a family that everyone enjoys?
You know, I'd say that commercial fishing and living on our own island in the Alaskan bush has been a source of great and deep joy for us. It's also a source of incredible work and hardships, but we're really unified and in many ways defined by that experience. We all work together in some form. The four older kids all run their own skiffs from about age 14 on; they work together out on the ocean. We all also love to travel. Three years ago we took the kids out of school for the entire year and traveled through North and Central America. It wasn’t always a picnic in a park, but it was something that's remained one of the highlights of our family experiences. My daughter has begun to travel abroad now, just as my husband and I did for several years before we settled down. I expect it will be a running theme in our family. We all also love supporting each other in sports. We’re big wrestling and cross country and track fans in particular!!
The title of your book is Parenting Is Your Highest Calling (And Eight Other Myths That Trap Us In Worry and Guilt). What are the eight other myths?
Myth #1: “Having Children Will Make You Happy and Fulfilled”
Myth #2: “Nurturing Your Child is Natural and Instinctive”
Myth #3: “Parenting is Your Highest Calling”
Myth #4: "Good Parenting Leads to Happy Children"
Myth #5: “If You Find Parenting Difficult, You must Not Be Following the Right Plan”
Myth #6: “You Represent Jesus to Your Children”
Myth #7: “You Will Always Feel Unconditional Love for Your Children”
Myth #8: “Successful Parents Produce Godly Children”
Myth #9: “God Approves of Only One Family Design”
Why do you think it’s so easy for us to get tripped up by these myths?
Because we're human--and we have this natural tendency to see ourselves as more important and more in control than we really are. But the hardest work of parenting is a kind of relinquishment. It’s what we call faith. Faith is not passivity. Faithful parenting is not a laissez-faire kind of parenting. It’s a focused attention on our own relationship with God first, and then we parent out of that fullness, love, wisdom and grace we receive from our heavenly parent. Faith bridges the gap between what we know and hope---and what we don’t understand and can’t always control. As part of this, I think we really need to shift our efforts away from being “successful parents” and focus instead on being faithful parents. That’s what God’s most concerned with. The outcome, who our children grow up to become, yes, we shape and influence that, but in the end, that will be between God and our child.
But so often we hear that parenting is our highest calling. How were you able to see through the myth and find the truth?
One morning as I was praying, I suddenly realized how much I was praying for my children. That my concerns for my children had taken over my prayers. My whole focus was their well-being and their success and their future. But why wasn’t I praying with that same passion for others outside my family? Why wasn’t I in tears for others, for people in prison, for those who are suffering?
I was completely focused on the kingdom of my family rather than the kingdom of God.
I thought of the mother in Matt. 20, who listens to Jesus telling his disciples that he’s about to suffer and die. Rather than being shocked, or deeply concerned about Jesus her first thought is, “Grant that my sons sit at your side in heaven!” She was a mother on a mission, trying to secure her sons’ future. But she missed the whole point of Jesus' message!
I believe we need a larger understanding of the family. We need to remove our temptation to put our own children first in our lives. God is concerned about our immediate family, yes---but his larger concern is the family of God. I think we need to open our gates and front doors and make this our larger concern as well.
As a parent, with what kinds of things do you struggle the most?
I always want love to be reciprocal, you know, I-love-you, you-love-me-back. And it is reciprocal when your children are at a certain age. But then there are seasons of your kids’ lives when they withdraw, when they don’t want to mothered or smothered, and they pull away. They’re becoming men or women; they’re forming their own separate identity. They need to do that without their mother attached, breathing down their shirts. I know all this, and I appreciate it, but with five boys , three teens right now, living it out can be emotionally difficult. Writing this book and returning to what biblical love really is and looks like, has fortified me.
Biblical love is not contingent upon love returned. I look at God’s father love in the Old Testament, how he held his arms out all day long to his children, the nation of Israel, and “they would not come.” But he continued to love and discipline them anyway. So this is my strength and my model. And I need it!!
What is the best piece of parenting advice you’ve ever received? Who gave you that advice?
When my daughter was 2,3 and 4, she was on a serious mission to take over the house. I won’t tell you details, but just let me say that she pulled out all the stops. I’m not a weak, wimpy person, but her iron will and her resistance to cooperation and discipline brought me to fierce tears nearly every day. I wondered what I was doing wrong. At one very low point, I spilled my frustration to a friend, Yvonne, whose children were a few years older. She told me to hang in there and hold tight to the reality-discipline I was using (that is, keeping the rules and boundaries I had made, and then making sure she experienced the consequences of violating them). Her own daughter was similarly wired, she assured me, and she did eventually respond to the boundaries and consequences. That was a huge encouragement to me with my first child. I did as she said, and held tight. And it happened. My daughter finally realized around 4 that life would be so much more enjoyable if she joined my team instead of opposing me at every turn. The turnaround was amazing. But it didn’t happen without a lot of grief and tears and doubt on my side. I know this sounds a bit sickening, but those were the last years of conflict I had with my daughter. She and I had an incredibly harmonious and supportive relationship after that turn—all the way through her teen years. We have a fabulous relationship now as adults. Not every kid is wired this way, but it’s super important that we don’t let our toddlers and young children run our houses and families. They need to know their place in the created order!
What is the one thing you want readers of your book to know?
I want them to know that there is far more grace and freedom in parenting than they may know now. This deeper look into God’s word, this exposing of these myths has freed me from the tyranny of unrealistic expectations of parenting----that we’re going to have happy happy homes, happy happy children, we’re going to be happy and fulfilled all the time!
God never promised any of that. Now, I know that our children come to us not to make us happy, but for the much greater purpose of serving God. No matter who they end up being, no matter their choices, they are here for God’s great purposes. I’m freed as well from thinking that my children will become who I make them. That’s not only an impossible burden to carry, but it’s simply unbiblical. My whole view of parenting has shifted, from how I feel about parenting, to what is real and true about parenting. Knowing these fuller truths doesn’t magically erase all the guilt and worry, but much of it has faded. I’ve learned to lean far more on God than myself. I hope your readers will join me on that journey that leaves these myths behind, to embrace the incredible freedom of God’s truths.
To enter for chance to win Leslie's book, just leave me a comment. To learn more about Leslie,
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